Just a reminder...

We all let our kids do things the experts say not to. Popcorn before age 4? Whole grapes when they're sitting still at the table? Toys labeled "Ages 3 and up" for your 2 year old? I know, especially since Jesse is so mature in so many ways, I have done all of these things and more.

The pictures on the grocery cart (and common sense) say not to let your kid ride in the basket part of the cart, but Jesse is very well behaved and sits still on his bottom when I ask him to. Simon is too small for most of the carts at Target with the seats in the bottom so we always let Jesse ride in the basket part of the cart when we shop if he doesn't feel like walking.

This past weekend, Dan worked and I had a conference to attend so Jesse stayed with my parents Friday and I took Simon with me to the conference (it was the La Leche League conference before anyone wonders what kind of person I am for taking a baby to a conference).

Anyway, I came out of the last session to 7 voicemails on my cell phone. My mom had Jesse at Home Depot and he told her I let him ride in the basket of the cart and she let him. He sat still on his bottom the entire time like she asked, but when she got to the car he stood up in anticipation of getting out and he lost his balance and went head first out of the cart onto the parking lot. It was about a 4 foot fall directly on his head. I was almost an hour away when I got the message. That was a horrifying drive.

We spent 6 hours in two different ERs on Saturday (my mom originally took him to UPMC Braddock because he fell asleep in her car on the way to the ER and she was worried so she went to the nearest ER and then later we transferred him to Children's) and went through the hell that it is to strap a 3 year old to a table for a 2 image CT scan.

That alone was a heartbreaking experience. Absolutely awful. I have never been unable to calm him. Not once in his life. My presence and reassurance has always been all he's needed. I felt so helpless. I actually stood back for a while and cried while the CT Tech tried calming him. Eventually, I had to lay on him and go into the machine with him after he screamed for 45 minutes straight and would not calm down enough to get the test. He has petechial hemmorrhaging all over his face, neck and chest from screaming for so long.

He must have asked to nurse two dozen times while we were in the ER. I just held him close and rocked him, my heart breaking because I couldn't let him have the comfort he desperately needed. If he would have had a bleed he would have needed immediate surgery so he was not allowed to eat or drink anything until he was cleared. Nursing Simon in front of him made me feel like I was betraying him.

Fortunately, he did not have a slow brain bleed like the ped originally suspected and he is going to be just fine. My mother feels absolutely awful even though I told her a thousand times it could have happened to anyone. I've never had a problem with Jesse riding in the basket and if she had called to ask me I would have told her it was ok to do so.

I will not let him do it again after this though. Please, even if your child is an absolute angel in the basket, know that this is something that can happen. I don't ever want to be scared again like I was on Saturday.

God had His hand on Jesse. He could have had a brain bleed, he could have broken his neck, he could have broken his shoulder or arm or landed on something that could have impaled him. He didn't come out completely unscathed, but a nasty goose egg on his head and some awful memories... I'll take it.

I'm back, Baby!

Ok. So maybe "back" isn't the term for it. But it's been a while since I've written here. And here I am.

After the car accident in October, I was in a fog of sorts. The pain in my neck and shoulder made it very hard to concentrate on anything - at home and at work. I was irritable, short-tempered, tired, pretty miserable. Around the 8 week mark after the accident I started to be able to use my right arm to open doors and hold the baby without wincing. It was a bit of a turning point. From there the headaches started to be less persistent and slightly less crushing. My shoulder and neck started to improve. Dr. Matijasic cleared me to go back to the gym, only lower body at first. It was hard to get back into the groove. It's amazing how fast what little conditioning I had achieved was lost. For the most part I was stretching and walking/running the treadmill and nothing else.

Last night I decided to attempt Zumba again. I've missed it so much! It was hard. Probably harder than the first time I ever tried Zumba. I couldn't do most of the arm routines without pain. That's not good. But I did well with the lower body songs and had a lot of fun! Some of the songs are new and Julie has mixed up the routine a bit since I was there last the Thursday before the accident, but when the familiar songs came on I got right back into the sambas and cumbias I know so well.

I made a new friend too! New Year's Resolution #4 in action - Put Myself Out There More. I ran into Zoe at the water fountain when we both ran out of water at the same time during class. We talked about the previous song, a little Russian-inspired mix, that was hard hard hard!!! After class we talked for a while. She has a hell of a handshake. I liked her immediately. When she asked if I was a college student, I liked her even more!

It's a start... back to Zumba, back to blogging, trying to get back to life as it was before. I still cannot wear Simon which breaks my heart. He was 7 months old when I stopped wearing him - prime time for babywearing fun and convenience! It's a shame. I wonder - if I am able to wear him again - if he will not want to be worn since we've been out of it for so long. I hate to think that my babywearing days are over forever and I can't even remember what we did the last time he was snuggled up tight against me in the ring sling. I'm trying to hope for the best.

I still have pain. When I attempt things that were taken for granted before to get back into the swing of things like Dr. Matijasic recommends (like Zumba), I have more pain. I guess I am not ready for some things yet.

My socks are wet

And my kid isn't wearing any glasses. I need to vent!

Ever since this stupid car accident, I have been in a cloud. These headaches are so distracting. I'm having trouble getting my work done, I can't remember my grocery list, I feel slow and sluggish. I cannot concentrate well. The pain is there when I am sitting but when I stand up it's blinding, dizzying, at times unbearable. I want them to go away!

This morning I watched the news to see how the weather would be. It was 69 degrees at 7 am but it is going to drop this afternoon. Ok, yay, I knew to take jackets to daycare so Dan will have them for the ride home. However, since that's what I focused on I didn't have enough memory space for much else. It's pouring outside and I forgot an umbrella, wore classic crocs with the holes in them, never even realized I didn't give Jesse his glasses (like I've given them to him every. single. morning. for more than 7 months now) until we got to Donna's and she asked, "Jesse! Where are your glasses?" I feel like a crappy mother.

I feel like my head is going to explode! When I come home from work and yet another chiropractor appointment, it's all I can do to nurse Simon, muddle through some dinner, painfully bathe the kids and then lie uncomfortably in bed while Simon nurses down. I lie there trying to think of the millions of tasks I need to do when he's finally asleep, but they pop into my head and then they are gone just as fast. My house is a disaster, I probably have overdue bills lying on my desk, mail is piling up on the dining room table...

I just want to feel better. I want to go back to the morning of October 6 and leave 2 minutes earlier or later so I wouldn't get hit by that other car. So I wouldn't have this pain in my neck, back and knee. So these headaches wouldn't be happening. I just want to feel better.

And I want dry socks.

Happy Monday!

I know it's Tuesday but I couldn't get to a PC yesterday.

After a lovely weekend with friends (which I hope to write about once I get some pictures back) I was heading back to work yesterday morning when I was rear ended by a young girl in a Dodge Neon. Great way to start the week, right?

I don't know what she was doing. I had been stopped at a red light for quite some time just listening to the morning news on the radio when BLAM! there she was all up underneath the back of my Explorer. Instant headache - literally and figuratively at the same time.

I ended up in the ER at Passavant for about 5 hours, much of which was like this:

Lovely, huh? As if being upset, in pain and alone wasn't bad enough, it was HOURS before I could convince anyone that I needed a darn breastpump! Stupid asses acted like I was asking for an extra pillow every time I told them I desperately needed one. So frustrating!

I spent the rest of my day on the phone with insurance companies learning about how the whole messed up system works. Medical covered by this company until it runs out, vehicle covered by this company, personal property covered to a certain amount by these guys and then maybe the extra covered by these guys... blah blah blah. What a pain!

Speaking of pain. Can I just complain here? I am eternally grateful my sweet boys weren't in the truck with me. I had dropped them off at daycare mere minutes before the accident. I am glad no one was seriously injured, that the girl wasn't going faster, that it wasn't a dump truck instead of a Neon... But I still need to complain. I hurt. Bad. My neck is so stiff and stabs me when I move it. My shoulder alternates between feeling like someone is pouring ice water down it to feeling like someone is scalding me. My lower back is tight and stiff. My left knee is in pain for some reason and both legs are stiff. This really sucks.

Bathing the boys last night was painful! I'm not allowed to go to the gym for a week or so. I slept like crap. And the headache. My goodness, the headache! I just want to go back to bed.